Will you blow on my dice?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
