I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm like, not good at living.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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