What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
