I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
