I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
