Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
