his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
