I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
