HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
