Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
