you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
