I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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