I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
