god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
