I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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