it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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