On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
