so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
