you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize