Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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