she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
