If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
