I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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