My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
