he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
