I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
