mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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