my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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