I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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