my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
