I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
