I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
