I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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