I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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