so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
