I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
