i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
