so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
