i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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