I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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