If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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