she kept yelling 'call me bella'
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
