im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
