The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My dick has a subreddit
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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