Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
