i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I can't turn off my feet"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
