in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
