please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
