I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize