I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
