I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
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