Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
