oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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