I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
