I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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