I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
