I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
