I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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