YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
