her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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