So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
