I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
