the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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