did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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